My New Baby!

So:

The government decided to let my department in on this nifty "Learning and Wellness" Fund wherein the government will reimburse you up to $500/year on money you spend for gym memberships, courses, computer equipment, etc. This is to encourage you to "better" yourself. There are certain criteria, but mostly, it's free money!

Our benefit kicked in as of January 1st, but our fiscal year-end is in March. Which means, that between now and April, I have $1,000 of your hard-spent tax dollars (suckas!) to put towards my betterment.

I was torn between gym memberships, University courses, etc., but I figured whatever I spent it on, with the money I saved I could just spend my own cash on whatever the fund wouldn't pay for.

So last night, I bought a laptop. Not just any ol' laptop, though. The cutest, most user-friendly damned thing out there.

Voila. Mon bebe. J'adore!

*kissing little apple logo on laptop*

ahhhh.....

K

Stupid laws of physics...*grumble*

(or: "How I spent my Wednesday Night.")

Gather round, kiddies. It's time for one of Auntie K's patented, 100% organic, family-friendly funny stories guaranteed to make you scratch your head and laugh at me.

So...

Ever since I moved into my apartment, I've had issues with my Kitchen Sink. Not so much that I come home every night and the dishes have yet to do themselves (maybe tonight...?) but moreso that the hot water faucet is a piece o' shite. For the past six months, every time I (or my upstairs neighbour, for that matter) turned on our faucet, the pipes would make horrible screeching death sounds, like the pipes were protesting against the scalding they received. Stupid pipes.

My landlord supposedly fixed this problem when we all went without water for a day back in October. Fixed that, right? well....not quite.

See, the other issue with the hot water tap was that the knob tended to need a lot of coaxing to actually get water to come out of it. Scotty P., lovely "helpful" man he is, tried to fix it for me one day, and ended up making it worse. (still love ya, boy, you tried your best!) It has gradually gotten to the point where it now takes two full revolutions of the faucet before water begins to spout from the tap.

Then, about a week ago, the tap stopped working altogether. And no matter how tightly I would twist it, it would drip loud, plopping drips into the kitchen sink. Finally having enough, I tried turning off the valve under the sink. It wouldn't budge. So I got out my trusty toolkit, got my wrench and started pulling with all my might. Finally got it closed....but the water was still coming out. After throwing the wrench at the tap, I pouted for a few minutes, then decided to ignore the problem and sit on my couch to watch TV.

The *drip, drip, drip....PLOP!* did not help matters. I turned up the volume and called my landlord (who doesn't make housecalls after 8pm, figures.) and finally wrapped a towel around the damn thing to at least try to muffle the sounds of dripping.

That way, or so I thought, I could at least get through the night without wanting to gnaw my own face off.

I slept pretty well, all things considered....until about 3 am, when I shifted over to the left side of the bed and the whole side crashed to the floor, jolting me awake.

See, I've got one of those IKEA frames that take the slats, but since I have a boxspring, I figured I didn't need the slats. However, the boxspring having round corners and the bed frame having square ones, if it's not perfectly balanced on the corners...the boxspring will sink into one of the corners. Apparently, last night I was tossing a lot, because the second I flipped to the left, BANG!

I got up and said to myself that there was NO WAY I was fixing my bed at 3am, and huffed off to sleep on the couch.

The I realized that I can't sleep on my couch when there's a comfy bedroom, so I ended up moving a big honkin' mattress and boxspring around, hopefully disturbing my neighbours in the process (loud bastards.)

finally, I lay gingerly atop my bed, and tried to rest, while thinking the lightest, least restless thoughts possible.

And it worked....until 6am, when the bed sunk again.

Stupid bed. Stupid faucet.

K

ha! Take that, Aries!

According to the following webpage, statisticians have discovered a very strong link between a person's zodiac sign and their skills as a driver.

The worst offenders are Librans (ahh! Scary Lexi!), Aquariuses (....wracking brain for friend who is an aquarius) and Aries (dad. yes. he is a bit of a "selfish driver" I'd say)

The best drivers are Leos....aaaand GEMINIs! woot!

Now All I need is a vehicle and I'm a much lesser risk than nearly all you other accident-prone schlubs out there. Buhuhuwahahahaha!

Cheers,

K, the feisty (but cautious) Gemini

Zodiac Signs and Car Accidents

No. F***ing. Way.

Hawkeye, the Scuba-Kitty

Sorry, just had to share. You must see to believe.

K

The Miracle of Life: Instant Delivery Now Available!

Well, happy news, fellow readers! (yes, both of you!)

My stepsister's having her fourth child ( I know!) and my first niece to be born into the family today, at 12:30pm.

It's a scheduled C-section that's come early, as the baby is due in February but is being bumped up due to complications. My SS has been in the hospital for over 10 weeks now (and going a bit stir-crazy, I imagine), where--I found out this morning--she's been given steroids and medications like crazy to make the baby grow faster. Wow, what an age we live in.

Now, not only can we make babies in tubes or make them live after only 4 months in the womb, but apparently we can speed up their maturation so they're not all "preemie-like" upon birth. Whoa. She may still need incubation, but otherwise, we have our fingers crossed that she'll be healthy and well this afternoon.

I guess the part that wierds me out is how scheduled this is. Kinda takes the mystery of life out of it. It's like waiting for a train or something. Clockwork. It's like a birthday appointment. My family is at the hospital as I sit and type this, waiting around for her arrival. It's just....wierd. It's like insta-baby. Poof!

"Here ya go, 12:30 on the dot! We pride ourselves on our punctuality! Never late or your hospital fees free! (Ok, so it's free anyway, but besides that....)"

Anyways, so here's to me being a new auntie in T-minus 2 Hours and 18 Minutes. Can't wait to meet you, Jessa Clara.

Cheers,

K

Well...that was underwhelming...

One flavour that seems to linger in my mouth is the bitter taste of disappointment. And I hate to say it, but the whole "storm of the century" that was supposed to hit yet has left me just a wee mite unimpressed.

Apparently, 1/2 the snowfall of our last storm of the year (in November) and a drop in temperatures = abominable snowmen wreaking havok over the town. Pffft. What a crock.

Stupid blizzard bullsh*t. I was really looking forward to a city rendered unrecognizeable by the snow. Maybe even a day off work from the fact that all the doors were covered in snowhills. Ski bandits making off with people's purses before sliding off to their ice-castle lairs. You know, the usual snowstorm stuff.

*sigh*

K

White-Out

So, the blizzard has hit. Rumours of one of the biggest storms to hit Edmonton in, oh, 20-odd years started earlier on this week. I for one didn't really believe the hype, as even yesterday it was fairly warm and not terribly snowy.

Then I woke up this morning.

Damn, how things can change in a matter of hours! Looking out of my window at work (nearly 9am now) I can barely see the trees 30 feet away from my building. This is exciting! I love blizzards, especially when I can watch them from the snuggly warmth indoors and sip cocoa while scoffing at mother nature. Ha Ha! Ha Ha Ha!

(I'm totally getting smited for that one, let me tell you. I envision my pipes freezing and bursting in my apartment, sigh. Oh well. It was worth the laughter!)

I hope everyone in the city takes it easy over the next few days. Please be super careful on the roads. I heard that most drivers can't see the tail lights of the person in front of them. That's bad. I recommend strapping your dog to a GT Snowracer and mushing him to work for the rest of the week. Ok, maybe your cat, too. After all, you probably haven't lost all that weight from Christmas, and you don't want to tire the poor pup out.

Ok, I have to go to work now. Take care, dress warm, and enjoy the lovely picture of Bonhomme I found online. He looks so damn happy to be out in the snow, doesn't he? Awww....sweet bonhomme. I'll have visions of syrup on snow for the next week now. hehe.

Cheers,

K

Wobblology

Yes, actual braniac scientists received grant money to figure out a mathematical equation for how to balance a wobbly table. Apparently, as long as the surface the table rests on is relatively flat and none of the table legs are significantly shorter than the rest, any table can be de-wobbled without so much as a measely coaster.

Whoa. You hear that? It's millions of minds being blown simultaneously. Or, wait, maybe that's just a giant gasp escaping from people who can't believe somebody actually figured this out. Phew, glad that's over with! Now we can get back to curing AIDS and fixing that wee ozone problem.

Sheesh.

K

ps- Happy new year! I hope you all had a fabulous time!

Wobblology

Mele Kalikimaka!

I'm not sure if that's how you spell it, but it's Hawaii's way to say merry Christmas to you. :o)

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday. Today is my last day at work (woo!) and there's not much going on other than preparing food, eating cookies and drinking leftover wine from our open house. *hic*

May you get all the gifts you long for and have a safe, happy Christmakwanzakkuh!

Also, since I'll be gone until January 2nd, I'd like to wish everyone a happy New Year and I hope that 2007 is even better for you than 2006!

I'd like to thank everyone who was there for me this past year. The first half of the year didn't go so great, it being a year of extreme changes and challenges for me. However, I am so happy to be where I am now that I would not change any of it. Thanks so much for your support and love, and I hope that I have done even half for you what you have done for me over the past year. That goes for everyone!

On that note, may your days be merry and bright and all that jazz.

Cheers,

K

Three Little Pigs Xmas

Ha! Ha Ha Ha Ha!

This is awesome. See, I NEVER watch SNL because it's mostly useless crap, but every now and then they have a rare gem like this that makes it all worthwhile. I nearly peed laughing. I swear, I can picture some of the guys I have met in my lifetime doing this exact thing to some poor girl. Justin Timberlake is surprisingly good at this gig, too. Hmm...earning respect for pop idol? There's something new.

Cheers,

K

Dick in a Box

Because It's Monday and We Could All Use a Little Cheering Up

hehehehehehehehehehehehehe!

Shameless Plug for a Friend...

This is a nifty video of my buddy Mr. Mahe's parcour antics with his partner, Nick. Together they're Flow Dynamic, and are prepping this video to garner attention for the underground sport and to get sponsorship. They've already got Lululemon under their belts, and Mahe's hoping to score a little more cash in Vancouver in a few months.

For those of you unfamiliar with Parcour, here's a little wikipedia info:

Wiki-Cour

This stuff is fantastic!

Cheers,

K

By the Power of Greyskull, I have the Power!!!

Do you ever like to reminisce about your childhood? Do you ever like to recklessly throw yourself back into a sweet sweet bout of nostalgia and indulge your inner child? I know I do.

It's difficult oftentimes when we grow up to face the characters we grew up with. Oftentimes we find that our imaginations made them to be much better than the shoddy animation and stilted dialogue did. Hence, it's always with a bit of caution that I revisit my childhood.

The saddest of all things is, perhaps, realizing that you don't even remember a cartoon show or muppet character whose dialogue you could, once upon a time, recite by rote.

Thankfully, last night was not one of those nights.

I had Bettsy over for Xmas cookies and tree trimming, as me mum purchased a lovely wee Tanenbaum for my apartment. As entertainment during these few hours, Bettsy brought along her newly purchased DVD: She-Ra, Princess of Power (!!!)

Now, She-Ra and He-Man were two of the (albeit fictional) characters that shaped my childhood, and it is scary to think that in one iconoclastic evening, my former dreams could be shattered by the horrendous cheese of it all. To my surprise and delight, however, I was rather impressed by the show. Granted, some of the characters are impossibly lame and the "messages" by that annoying rainbow dude at the end are trite, but overall the quality of the work had not grossly deteriorated over the past 20 years (god, it's been 20 years!!!) The same cannot be said for other favorites of mine, such as Hercules or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles original series. Oh, Donatello, where did your wit go?

Anywho. Just thought I'd take a perambulation through memory lane. I hope everyone is excited for Xmas, which is fast approaching, and that everyone has booked off the 16th of December to come over and party at my place! Woo!

For the Honour of Love, we Have the Power So Can You......

K

Oh....dear....god....

So, if you haven't heard, there's a leadership race happening in the Conservative Party to replace our dearly departed (no, not dead, just gone, thank you jebus!) Premier. They've been campaigning for aeons now, but THIS
was just released by one of the front-runners, Ted Morton.

This is the guy who is so right wing he makes Klein look like a pinko. He's also the guy who introduced a bill to try to get gay marriage blocked in Alberta (contravening the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms.)

You have to listen to his theme song. It's ridiculous. And country, of course. Lots o' twang in there, as well as jabs against anything east of Saskatchewan. *eyes rolling*

On the hilarious side, it has been suggested that Tim Horton's adopt this song in a parody for their new ad campaign. I can dig it.

Throwing up in my mouth (just a little)

K

OOh! New Features!

Hello guys and dolls!

Just trying out my new fonts and such on my blogger account. I will have to play around with this stuff.....but after my post!

Hope everyone had a good weekend. It's been a while since my post and I have spent the bulk of my time lazing about trying to cure myself of what ails me. (Not going so hot)

To follow up on the last post, I missed Frank Black (I know! Sad!) because I had the flu. Stupid flu. I will keel you, I swear! White blood cells, ATTACK! (i don't think they respond to orders, but I'll try anything at this point.)

My weekend was very busy, going to sex shows (Taboo sex trade show at the Agricom, not some 25c peep show, perverts!) and barn dances (the Agriculture faculty's annual Bar None for the U of A, where I two stepped and drank and tried very hard to flirt with an adorable cowboy who, in retrospect, was probably too dense to realize I was flirting with him....grrr). That was friday and Saturday.

Saturday was also the day I strapped myself to a snowboard for the first time in 3 (oh my god, three!) years. I went with SONiC, which meant that I got free rentals and a lift pass. Woot! I was rather proud of myself that I didn't fall down the first time back on the hill. I DID fall, however, and felt my brain rattle inside my head as I flipped head over heels. Ouch. The worst part was being schooled by a 6-year-old, who came up to me after my fall and told me flat out, "you're not very good, are you?" I was a little taken aback at this little tart's cheek, but managed to smile and say, "nope, I guess not!" I don't think it helped that she probably assumed I was on a pro snowboarding team, since we were bedecked in our SONiC orange coveralls. That, or an escaped convict, you be the judges!

Sunday was baking day, wherein I got all my Xmas baking done (ok, so it spread a little to Monday, too) and spent the rest of the afternoon smacking my stepdad's hand away from the shortbread. Also went over to Scotty and Lexi's place and played with their new kitten, Nemy. I looooove kittens. I miss them. I want one. Boo.

Otherwise, things be swell. I'm taking up my lunch hour typing this, so I'm going to stop now and get some soup before I waste my entire dinner time!

Until Next Time,

K

ps- Congratulations to Jenna & Sean, who just got engaged last week! I'm so happy for you guys!

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground...

....and there's nothing in it and you'll ask yourself,

"where is my mind? Where is my mind? wheeeere is my mind? Way out in the water, see it swimming?"

Who likes the Pixies? I do!

Guess who's going to see Black Francis (ie: Frank Black)tonight w/ SONiC?

No....really, guess....

Ok, ok, it's ME! Hehehehe.

That is, of course, if I can keep this damned flu under control for the next 10 hours. Otherwise, it's back to bed for me. (This is my daily routine for the past few days, get up, go to work, go home, fall unconscious for next 15 hours, wake up, take decongestant, repeat)

sniffle,

k

For make glorious nation Khazakstan

The new Borat movie opens today.

I saw the preview last night.

Go see it. It is the most obscenely funny movie I have seen in a long, long time. Maybe ever. It will make your eyes bulge in disbelief (did he just say that?....) and tears spurt from laughing so hard.

Seriously. It's awesome. And offensive. So if you're easily offended...you'll just have to get over it and go see the movie anyway.

That is all.

K

HAPPY HALLOWE'EN!!!

I hope everyone has a spook-tacular day today!

I am going home tonight to carve pumpkins and hand out candy to wee minions of the dark lord (buhuhuwahahahahahaha!)

While I don't yet have any pictures of Saturday night's Monster Mash party (where I was actually costumed), I DO have a few from Friday night's Wake at the DU house (premise: place last year's most drunken fratboy in coffin, pour booze over him, have angel and devil fight over his eternal soul while priest/shaman--in this case, mormon--moderates).

Boo, dearies!

*cackle*

K

Party Peeps in the Hizzouse
Swoon!
Soul Wrestling
Cool Cat and Kitties

It Snowed This Weekend!

Ok, I'm probably the only Edmontonian who will admit this (but I can't be the only one who feels this way, otherwise this city would consist of me and a really big, useless mall) but I love winter. All right, so the cold gets to you after a while, but there's nothing more beautiful than a landscape freshly covered in a thick blanket of fresh snow.

While Friday it drizzled/sleeted a bit, I awoke on Saturday to find a winter wonderland outside my window. I did a little happy-dance and decided that I would go for a walk in the white stuff when I had the chance.

Well, here I sit at work (yes, on a Sunday, not enough hours in the week, unfortunately) having trudged through the beautiful river valley, where freshly plowed pathways crisscrossed through swathes of barren trees whose last orange leaves dotted the unblemished snow like exclamation marks. Very pretty. The quiet induced by the insulating snow cover is also nice. It's like, for a few moments, I'm far away from civilization in my own little ice paradise.

Ok. I know, I'm waxing poetic about ice. But seriously, you gotta love it! Maybe on my way home I'll make a snow angel (or, perhaps, in the spirit of All Hallow's Eve, a snow DEVIL...)

Hmm. Now if only I had some maple syrup and a stick....

Luv,

K

Because it's Friday, Pt. 2: Tuesday is the New Friday!

Ok. Tuesday isn't really the new Friday, but I wanted to post something sublimely silly that made me laugh again.

This week is shaping up to be a touch better than the last (mostly because, well, it's nearly hallowe'en! woot!) I've been promoted at work, which means a new office, new (and fewer, ha!) responsibilities and some extra dinero just in time for Xmas. Hurrah! As a celebration and because I'm too busy to think up something clever to write about (brain is slowly dying...must be all those sinus medications I keep mixing with alcohol, oops...haha!)

The following is a picture of my buddy Stephen, who is currently residing in Osaka, Japan to teach English and, more importantly, score with hot Asian babes. (What? He wouldn't contradict me on that front) Now, most westerners are a little shocked when they go over and realize that, for the most part, they are waaaay bigger than their Japanese counterparts. For Steve, however, that goes double because, well...he's about double the size of the average Japanese person. He's about 6'5" (over 2m tall, for those of you imperially-challenged) and has the size to go with the height. The following are some of the funniest things I've seen in a while (many thanks to Steve who, while not having given me express permission to post these, I will assume doesn't mind as: a) you can't see his face and b) the more famous he gets, the more bitches he can score with, so the way I see it, I'm pimpin' him out!)


Steve's Apartment

Steve, In his apartment