Rant time!

I like MSN. It's a mostly-reliable source of good news, entertainment and often colourfully off-the-wall articles about issues both sociological and pertinent that I would never dream up myself. This one piqued my curiousity instantly, though, soon enough, riled me enough that I felt myself obligated to share and (since this is my blog) opine on the article and explain the bile it raised in my throat. Here....I'll give you a few minutes to read it:

Starter Marriages

Done? Good.

For those too lazy to have read it, this is basically a 'relationships and dating advice" article about the "Starter Marriage": an apparent product of our current generation that is argued as a not necessarily pleasant but altogether reasonable and pragmatic extrapolation of our stubbornly and unrepentantly adolescent social mores.

The author interviews several women (but no men, curiously, though I wonder about their views of this issue) about their experiences with early and disastrous marriages in their 20s and the ways in which this was a benefit in terms of offering a "crash course" in commitment, relationships and the institution of marriage.

It is noteworthy that the interviewees, for the most part, are products of divorce themselves and thus, argues the writer, must teach themselves the values inherent in committed partnerships that they never learned from their parents. Fair enough, perhaps.

I, too, am a fucked up gen-Yer who had my nuclear family go ka-blooey (har har) on me in my teens. And yes, this has presented me with many interesting views, fears and hopes regarding marriage and commitment. It does not, however, mean that I do not believe in the institution or believe that since it's something my parents didn't stick to, that it is something to be taken lightly or "tried on" to see how it fits. And that is what bothered me and got me all self-righteous and persnickity about this article.

While I wholeheartedly agree that one should not feel obligated to remain in a relationship that is unhealthy for either or both parties and applaud people finding their own path, I feel like this is merely the start of some sort of generational "fad" where we cannot commit to homes, jobs or even friends for longer than our 20 second attention spans, let alone relationships. Which is a very sad commentary on our society and one that I don't necessarily find all that palatable. We wonder why divorce, depression, unhappiness and lack of direction are so rampant. Perhaps because we are so overwhelmed by the glut of opportunities and the lack of structure or sense of purpose that we drift aimlessly, awaiting an epiphany that will allow us to discover our true selves (though only after 30, as suspended adolescence has now led us to sequester ourselves in our parents' basements until roughly 26 years of age). What happened to having responsibilities, not only to yourself, but to others and society as a whole?

yes, to thine own self be true....but...to flit about aimlessly, indecisively figuring that, "hey, well, if this marriage thing doesn't work out, I can always get divorced," is a sickening mindset. If nothing is sacred, then everything is unimportant and disposable. Granted, I'm not a religious or traditional person. I am, in matter of fact, the exact specimen of woman interviewed in this article. I am not, however, willing to hold myself to so low a standard that I could allow myself to enter into something so self-deceptive and wholly self-involved. Regardless of what the author says in this story, it IS a selfish act. Commitment is frightening and I myself have often wondered how in the hell I could ever spend the rest of my life with the same person without going insane by year 20...but you know what? If I truly felt that way when it came down to a decision to marry...I would not. There is no "return policy" on relationships. And, god forbid, you get children involved in it, it could lead to so much grief and damage for the next generation it's not even worth getting into here.

Yes, people deserve happiness. Yes, they deserve to be able to correct their mistakes. But there is no Mulligan for marriage. There's no reset button. And if you find yourself bored and lonely and still acting like a prepubescent squealing little girl who doesn't like the idea of growing up and joining the "real" world...then, by all means: don't.

Don't fuck up yourself and others by indulging in something you cannot 100% say you want. Better to be 99% sure and walk away than 50% sure and figure there's some sort of freebie get out of jail card at the end. Life is lonely sometimes. And sometimes, despite your best efforts and intentions, it does not always go your way. And that's okay. Because it's not always about you. And you are not going to get away with living in Peter Pan land forever. So for fuck's sake, please: just grow up, or accept your limitations and try not to screw others up in the process.

Just my 10 cents.

K