Shitty-Ass Week.

This week was one of the worst in recent memory for me.

While the sun has begun to shine on this rainy city (good thing considering that I'm here for a good time, not a long time...hehe...ahhh, forget it!) and session is FINALLY over...I'm still reeling over the long, drawn-out misery that I've had since Sunday...

It's weird for me, because over the past few years I have come a long way in learning to just relax and not stress myself out the way I did back in University. Partly that was due to the sheer necessity of not wanting to burn a hole in my stomach lining, but partly being stressed is just...well...exhausting.

I've forgotten what it's like to live off of adrenaline and cortisone hormones 24-7 and have a permanent knot in my stomach. I even had my first panic attack in probably, oh, a good 5-7 years, something I haven't had regularly since I was in junior high school.

There is not one particular culprit I can point to, more of a series of ever greater back-breaking straws. I got hit with a massive flu, which may have subsided on its own after a few days had the stress of work and missing days at the office with papers piling on ad nauseum and personal issues not come into the mix.

Personal issues, well...let's not get into that. Let's just say I had found something particularly enjoyable that turned, well...not sour, more...complicated? Meh. I've obsessed/blamed myself/wracked my brain for a solution, but, alas, have realized (grudgingly) that it's a situation out of my control, and that I must be patient, sit, wait and hope for the best. Which, for me, is like telling a heroin addict to just sit tight and wait for the chills to pass....gah...

Not sleeping, coughing my lungs out and being cooped up at home for days on end in a sick daze didn't help matters. I've been moping to friends and finally broke down and had my mom make me dinner and watch a movie and cuddle on the couch on Wednesday, because if I had to go home and spend the night alone I knew I would sit and mull over the various ways in which I was stressed out. Made me feel better to go home, have a good meal. Something about the mom-factor that reassures you that everything'll be all right. Lame for a grown woman to admit to that, but nonetheless very true.

Went out drinking last night to celebrate the end of session and am making plans with the girls to get me away from my house for a few hours and cheer myself up. Thinking that I should go to the pool tomorrow morning and swim furiously until I nearly drown. The exercise and water will be calming.

I'm trying to be Zen about it. Things will work themselves out. What is meant to be will be, que cera, cera, all that shite. It takes an optimistic person to buy into that, though, so I'm struggling. But I want to believe, hells yes.

k