Just because you know it's coming, doesn't mean it doesn't still suck...

Well, I had a feeling this was going to happen. Usually these sorts of things happen in clusters--just ask doctors in hospitals or nurses on ICU wings, they'll probably agree that people die in clusters.

Not that these people have to have any particular relation to you; they just seem to pass all together. Tuesday my coworker's grandmother died and she left yesterday for the funeral in Winnipeg. Yesterday a part-timer who worked on special projects at my office died under "suspicious circumstances." Creepy. So when my phone rang at 7 this morning, I had a feeling about what was on the other end. My mom likes to act as if she's calling to say hi, but she's never been particularly adept and concealing her feelings.

So, yeah. My grandmother died this morning.

We knew it was going to happen. She's been battling cancer for months and her alzheimer's was steadily worsening. In fact, she's lucky to have made it past Christmas. And, as unfortunate as the combination of stomach/lung cancers and dementia may seem, it was really a blessing, as she did not remember her pain for very long as her Alzheimer's grew worse. She got to stay home and died in her own bed, which is a privilege few get to have. That said, though, it still sucks.

I'm the person who takes care of others when something like this (crisis, death, emergency) happens, so I am not blubbery or in shock. I'm sitting at work, trying to keep busy and the most upset I get is when I think of my poor mum and how devastated she sounded on the phone.

It's wierd what you remember of a person when you are faced with the fact that you will never again see them in your lifetime. My grandma was the stereotype of the great granny: baking pies, making delicious stews, and always ready to cuddle, with an ample bosom and enough soft flesh to nuzzle into as a kid and make all the scraped knees and hurt feelings go away.

The thing I remember most is her smell. She wore a flowery perfume, but unlike most flowery perfumes, it never made me want to gag. It was one of the sweetest smells and I always loved when she came to visit because our house would smell like my grandma's perfume. Smell is supposedly the most memory-linked sense, and I believe it. Just the thought of that scent calms me and reminds me of my childhood summers in Quebec.

I find it rather funny (not haha, more hmmm) that this has happened to close to the big dinner I have planned for Steph's 25th birthday. Because even 5 1/2 years later, I can still remember the minutiae that made up the person I loved. For Steph it was how she reacted when I would make her laugh. The grin, then the laugh, then the face turning red and the choked look when she was laughing so hard she could barely breathe, so all that came out was an hysterical hissing noise that just made her laugh all the more.

I recently finished a great book by Kevin Brockmeyer called "The Brief History of the Dead" wherein he uses aspects of African mythology to create an "in-between" land betwixt the living and the dead where the "living-dead" reside. It is much like our world and it is where people go who still exist as memories in the people still alive on Earth. So, in a way, they are still alive.

I like that. Though I am not a religious person and don't have any particular afiliation with the idea of Heaven/Hell/Purgatory/Reincarnation/etc. I think that this is an idea i could get behind. Not limbo, just...thoughts.

Well, I'd better go finish my work before heading home. My boss is going to drive me back to my mum's today. Sweet, no?

Take care,

K