Moving Forward and Looking Back...

This week marked the anniversary of two major changes in my life: "The Big Breakup" and "Getting a REAL Job".

I look at how the time has quickly passed and realize how much I have grown and changed over the past year (mostly, I hope, for the better ;o)

As pained and insecure as I felt at that time, someone in the dredges of some sort of "beginning of life" existential crisis, caught up in the midst of having my heart broken and my skills and education put to the test in the real world...I have survived and become a much better, saner and (this one I'm positive about) happier person for it.

Two years ago I embarked on my solo Europe trip and spent 6 months finding out who I was (literally, sometimes) from the bottom up, then returned to Edmonton, where I moved back with my family, drifted from temp job to temp job and spent the better part of my time wondering what the fuck happened to me that I became some servile, desperate leech trying to suck dry the last vestigial drops of blood from a stony partner.

(yes, I wallowed a bit. Does it show? hehe)

I also started at a job that wasn't my first choice, but I was knee deep in debt and the thought of a steady paycheque and the opportunity to actually particpate in the workforce was too much to pass up. The first few weeks were a mess that I don't really remember. New situation, new people, new...career, of sorts.

I was a lost soul. I'd look around my room and, quite literally, wonder who the person was that read all the books I once enjoyed, scrawled the notes about my dreams and aspirations and did creative things that inspired me.

I thank all of you who were friends with me at the time (well..you're still friends now) because I honestly think I would have pushed myself out of a moving vehicle had I been stuck listening to my whining drivel daily for weeks on end.

I don't know how or when, but the cloud lifted and suddenly being myself wasn't so difficult anymore. I had found that person I thought I'd lost somewhere, but who had ended up only misplaced and in disuse.

The past year, for all its pain, has been a spectacular one. I have had more ups than downs, despite some very serious family and personal issues. I found my purpose again and that was such a great feeling.

Since last March I have worked steadily at a job that, within 6 months, had created a new position for me and given me a raise to utilize my writing skills, for which I am grateful. Since last March I have rediscovered friends (particularly male ones that somehow fell to the wayside when I got caught up in a relationship) who helped me have fun again: parties, trips and just plain old comeraderie.

I made friends at work with whom i could go out drinking and talk to. Concerts, discovering yoga, volunteering with SONiC, a trip to Europe, new people, flings with hot forgettable boys, fun, rediscovering my art, rediscovering laughter and, most satisfyingly, finding a wonderful place to call my own, where I could swathe the walls in my own personality and reflect back onto myself the person I had begun to worry was a mere memory.

I know this all sounds particularly cheesy and introspective and for that I apologize. But In the past year I learned not only how to be myself again, but how to WANT to be that person again. Because, well...I like me. And I would never want to go back in time and tell that feisty, eager, precocious little girl that, sorry, kid, you turned out a soulless drone. Because, seriously, had I not made the two big changes (and they were, have no doubt, self-made changes) I shudder to think who I would be. Probably no one. Defining myself in terms of an unwillingness to let go of the a memory of someone who, in retrospect, was never really who I thought they were in the first place. A person who thought so little of me as a fellow human being that they couldn't even be bothered to tell me to fuck off and leave them alone.

In the end, I did it myself and I am so happy to be here, with debts being repaid, a cozy place to call my own, lovely friends and a great family that I appreciate all the more for not seeing them day in and day out. Memories of beer and pretzels in Munich, camping trips where I just sat around and laughed with friends, dancing again, being creative again. Wanting, most importantly, to be a writer again. To want to go back to school and become the person who makes a difference that I had always told myself I must be.

Hmm.

365 days isn't that many. But to me, it was just enough.

Thanks for reading. And, if you didn't, thanks for visiting my page anyways and giving this long-winded snooze-fest a pass. I still love you. Take care of yourselves.

Love,

K




PS- two important weekends coming up. Will post details on Paddy's Day and Steph's 25th Birthday Dinner soon!